Greetings, dear Cheeto-In-Chief. I don’t mean to send you into another toddler tantrum, but that seems to be just about impossible these days due to your incredibly fragile ego, so I’m just gonna say it: Mr. Drumpf, your hands are simply too small to ever fit around your massive, girthy penis!

Come on, Drumpfy Boy, did you really think that getting elected president would finally mean your little doll hands would finally be able to hold your massive cock? Yes, you won the election, but sitting in the White House has only made your tiny widdle hands’ inability to fit around your hulkish monster dong all the more visible to the whole world. It doesn’t matter how big a hissy fit you throw or how macho you try to act, you orange buffoon, the whole world is laughing at the thought of your micro hands straining to stuff that absolute python in your pants.

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Oh no, did we hurt your feelings? Better waddle over to Twitter and type up a rant with your tic-tac fingers while trying not to trip over your throbbing trouser monster that could certainly pleasure any lucky man or woman for weeks on end.

Listen, Drumpf. We’re not surprised that Melania doesn’t want to hold your tiny little baby hand in public, considering she’s understandably so exhausted from using every ounce of her strength to work over your strong, veiny behemoth. And do you really think that shaking world leaders’ hands like an overcompensating tough guy will really distract from the fact that your hands are puny and that 80 percent of the blood in your body is in your giant southern flesh tower at any given time? Think again, donkey dick!

Yes, Mr. Orange Man, deny it all you want, but we all know you’d love for Putin to come sit in the Oval Office and order your tiny hands around every day if only your massive cock didn’t make him so insecure of his own manhood that he runs away crying every time he is near you. But just keep crying “no collusion” as if that’s going to magically make your hands grow large enough that you don’t need four staffers to accompany you to the urinal just to hold your huge penis up while you pee. Just know that every member of the #Resistance is sleeping easy at night knowing that you’ll be crying in prison very soon if they can find a pair of handcuffs small enough for your hands and a jail cell that can somehow be closed with your freight train penis inside.

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